Oscars 2019

The 91st annual Academy Awards are this Sunday night and they will take place during one of the most crucial times for a country that’s currently plagued with never-ending scandals. Now more than ever the Oscars are needed to unify all Americans so that they can come together, set aside their differences, and wonder out loud in unison: “Hey, what the fuck is the difference between sound mixing and sound editing?” The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences have the most daunting task to accomplish on Sunday and that’s to remind people that they should give a shit about them after all.   

This year the Oscars made the decision to not have a host due to the resurfacing of Kevin Hart’s past homophobic tweets. In hindsight not having Kevin Hart host was probably the most sensible move the Academy made but not just because of Twitter. The only movie Kevin Hart starred in and co-produced in 2018 had a 48% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. That would be like asking the neighborhood Taco Bell to cater your wedding even though they have a 2-star Yelp review and the manager refuses to apologize for saying in 2009 that gay people shouldn’t get to enjoy chalupas.  

In response to past criticisms of ignoring diversity, boy did the Oscars really try to cover it up this year. Some claim that the Oscars really don’t see color, but in fact the Best Picture category itself boasts nominees with such colorful titles as Black PantherBlack KkKlansman, and Green Book. These nominations are vital in not only reminding people that the Oscars do care about minorities but also to make up for the fact that they nominated The Favourite aka what may inarguably be the whitest movie of all time. 

Other complaints have been directed at the Academy for allowing the streaming behemoth Netflix to compete in an industry that should be strictly reserved for patrons that actually leave their homes to consume troughs of popcorn and sit quietly with strangers inside a gigantic dark room. In response Netflix addressed this head on stating that starting in March subscribers will only be allowed to watch films if they promise to drop trash around their couches and create an inexplicably sticky residue on their living room floors. 

Initially some categories were in talks of being removed from the live telecast as a confusing effort to shorten the ceremony which include cinematography, editing, and makeup & hairstyling. This is indeed insulting to the entire backbone of cinema, although it could actually be the beginning of a beautiful new tradition where the Oscars eliminate one category each year until it’s just “Best Picture” and the winner has to collect the award from a sweaty topless Adam Levine at the Super Bowl halftime show. 

For women in the category titled Best Actress the winner could be the most unpredictable. The frontrunners are Glenn Close and Lady Gaga, although there is a sneaking suspicion that overnight Mexican sensation Yalitzia Aparicio may steal all the glory, which will of course result in Tucker Carlson somehow bitching about immigrants stealing from hard-working Americans. 

The winner for Best Actor could also be hotly contested. According to an article by the failing New York Times, Oscar voters are suckers for a transformation, and who better to walk away with the award for Best Transformation than Christian Bale for undergoing the painful metamorphosis of unhinged slim-fit British bloke to generally overweight white American.  

Oh and, of course, there are the controversial snubs. The Oscars have snubbed so many notable people this year. Bradley Cooper expressed his dissatisfaction that he was not nominated for Best Director. In their defense, the Academy issued a statement that they totally forgot what he directed. Cheer up, Sir Bradley. Award season is far from over. There’s still the even more coveted Teen Choice Awards.   

And the snubs don’t end there. The Oscars snubbed Liam Neeson for his sole category known as “Best Way to Ruin an Interview.” They even managed to once again snub Harvey Weinstein’s career from the In-Memoriam montage. One bold but very realistic prediction is that Spike Lee will be again snubbed of winning his very first Oscar. However, it’ll be okay when Spike looks down at his New York Knicks keychain and is instantly comforted knowing that the Knicks will continue to snub him of an NBA championship and general happiness. 

The biggest snub that actually matters at the Oscars is that not a single woman was nominated for Best Director. Here’s a fun fact: The number of female directors nominated in the entire history of the Academy Awards has been a whopping grand total of 5. But once again it’s extremely paramount to highlight what a real travesty it is that Bradley Cooper didn’t get nominated.  

Much like Hollywood actors desperate to stay young perhaps it’s time to give the Oscars a face-lift. For 91 years it’s upheld a tradition of recognizing the most talented names in film, but it’s definitively overdue to make some changes. For instance, the Oscars could stand to introduce some new categories to inject freshness into a stale evening of the same accolades. One very promising potential category: Best Male Apology. The Green Book cast alone could score 3 nominations – one for lead Viggo Mortensen apologizing for using the N-word during a Q & A, one for screenwriter Nick Vallelonga spouting off his anti-Muslim tweets, and one for director Peter Farrelly for flashing his genitals to colleagues throughout the 90s. What a sweep. 

There is a lot to be seen from an award show that never fails to be riddled with controversy. But no matter what happens on Sunday night, America will be watching...up until the very moment right before 9 o’clock when everyone inevitably switches back to Netflix to begrudgingly sit through a few episodes of Friends and then army crawl back into bed. Because if the Oscars serve really any purpose at all it’s to be agonizing reminder that Monday is right around the corner when Americans everywhere will be able to deliver their most phenomenal performance of faking interest while listening to coworkers recount all their weekend activities. 

Sharup Karim